A few things about me.
I love to be spontaneous. If the evening isn't spoken for, lets pick a green spot on the map and go there. Why not?
I am not sure if I am a social butterfly or a hermit crab. It varies by the day. Or hour.
I am not really a frugal person. But I love the joy that comes from a DIY, or creating something just the way you had in mind. When we buy a house I'm going to be all over that sweat equity. It is mine for the taking.
I want people to be happy. Please don't fight. I can't help but try to fix it. Unfortunately I can't fix most things in life. However, I can preach all day long that happiness is a choice. Because it is. Don't even try to argue with me.
It has come to my attention that I short change myself. All. The. Time. Working on fixing that. Remember what I said about me fixing things though?
I prefer to be bundled up in a warm jacket on a long walk where I will see no one. Peace is finally at my fingertips in moments like that.
Now that you understand the gist of me, let's get down to why we're really here. Why am I writing any of this down?
I have a few simple goals that are only halfheartedly motivated by irrational female logic and self misconceptions.
I want to lose weight. I would like to have better hair. I would like to be a better athlete. I want to be compared to other women and said to be thinner, prettier, maybe even sexier. I would like a better wardrobe. I would like to have whiter teeth, and a better tan.
Who else wants these things? I think a lot of us want them. But there is a downside to all of those things. And a lot of irrational fears to go along with them.
How do I lose weight? I've failed a million times before. If I lose weight, will people always think of me as the former fatty? If I lose weight the healthy way, it will take months, maybe years. I need to find the shortcut. What if I put it out there that I'm trying to lose weight? Post my half naked body on the internet as some twisted form of accountability? Will people say terrible things about my body? And what if I fail then? Then everyone knows exactly what I've got going on under my Spanx. I don't want to be the girl who can't go out to eat, or only eats dry greens. But I don't want to be the girl others ask for tips of how to dress your body type. I know you're asking me what I wear so I look less fat. How do I do all of this without seeming conceited or turn into a raging fitness junkie who has no time for the beautiful things in life?
Strong is the new skinny right? So maybe I should crossfit? Or do a triathlon? Or something spectacular that everyone I know will see I'm doing? I would be one sexy athletic girl. But that is a ton of work. Especially if you're still sitting on the couch. Is it worth it to me?
And yes. I'd love to be compared to other women. But don't you dare compare me until I am perfectly ready for it. I need to be in bikini body competition shape. At least 6 to 9 months of hair, skin, and nails vitamins to be sure I'm glowing. I need to make sure my teeth have been whitened, and have a professional wax and spray tan. I will also need time to build up a better wardrobe to fit my now perfect body. Ok. Now I'm ready to be compared. But not a moment sooner.
I'm being very frank. I know. And maybe you've never thought these things. If you haven't, you need to donate your body to science because you are one fine specimen. Your mental health is clearly much better than mine.
I am here to accomplish some of those things. But I want the greater gifts to be the lessons and skills I learn from the journey.
I want to have an iron will. I want to persevere. I want to be punctual. I want to be task oriented. I want to be honest with myself. I want to learn to make new habits. I want to love my body for what it can accomplish.
I am hoping I figure this out. Because right now, I can't promise I'm doing this for all the right reasons. But I guess it probably doesn't matter entirely what my source of motivation is right now. Just that at the end of the road I get what it was all about.
